It turns out that managing your money can be far harder to do in a relationship than is on your own. Why might that be? Because there is constant negotiation between what you value and what your partner values when it comes to our financial decisions. Think saving versus spending. Think eating out versus cooking in. Think exotic vacation versus modest staycation. Each of these choices has a monetary component attached to it. Will you agree as a couple when to save and when to spend? Will you both agree to set up automatic withdrawal into our 401k plan(s)? And if so, will it be only the minimum amount needed to receive any employer match or will it be closer to maxing the saving dollars? Will you decide to contribute to a Roth IRA plan(s)? And if so, how much? The same goes with any HSA savings plan, will you just barely contribute or save the annual max allowable? That’s just with your savings. You also get to negotiate how much we are willing to pay for rent/mortgage payments. Will you have a car payment or save and use cash to buy a car? Will you carry a credit card balance(s), etc. Each dollar we spend somewhere is assigned to something and cannot be re-spent. Much like our time, once we have used it, it is gone.
As an individual, you have incorporated one set of financial values into our lives, while your partner has incorporated their own set of financial values into their own life. These financial values are undoubtedly markedly different from one another. To some degree, these differences are inevitable as you are each raised in different families, thereby incorporating the financial values of those who raised you. These values are literally infused into our lives as you grow up within your environment. Some of those financial values serve you and your partners well, others not so well. Regardless, you will find yourself a “stew” of all these infused financial values in a committed relationship with someone else, who is also a “stew” of their own infused financial values. Oftentimes (more often than not) these “stews” clash.
And although challenging, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Your partner challenging your financial values allows you the unique opportunity - a “gift” to examine them in a way perhaps we never have before. It also opens up the chance to question them and determine if they are compatible with your goals or not. Questioning your partner’s financial values offers them the same “gift”. How can you see this process as a “gift” instead of a fight for what you want versus what your partner wants (to buy, to save, to spend, etc.).
First, it helps to have these discussions theoretically when you are in a calm, happy place, versus when you are already in a heated argument. Discussing with your partner what you each want now and into the future is a great place to start. This helps to see your partner’s financial vision for a happy life and better understand what they value most financially. Almost undoubtedly it will be different than our own. However, in going through this process, we can
identify what common themes do you share with your partner? You can start by building on those.
Second, with the overarching shared themes in hand, it is critical to translate your joint visions into a budget - a tool to help you use your dollars to reach your actual goals. For example, if one of your shared goals is to own your own home, then you will want to begin to jointly save toward that goal. Saving toward this goal may involve giving up some things you had assumed were important individual financial goals of yours, ex: having extra spending money to buy things we want impromptu. This may continue to be important, but may become a lesser priority as you incorporate a joint vision with our partner and formulate new synergistic financial goals as a couple.
Third, just because you create a budget to have your money do what we want it to do for you, your work is not done. You need to set aside time regularly, at least monthly, to review your progress in implementing our budget in our daily lives. What adjustments do you need to make? Is there any room for improvement in how you are working to achieve our goals? Have our goals shifted and changed, morphing into something even more relevant in your shared lives than they were previously?
In summation, your partner’s different views on finances can be more of a blessing than a curse. You selected your partner, not because they are a mirror image of yourself, but because they offer an addition, an excitement, that provides you a more complete life than you have on your own. What your partner brings to the table financially is part of that package. As you listen to your partner and incorporate their views with your own views, you have the opportunity to use your joint finances to build an incredible life together.
We’ve got your back,
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